This week

I spend too much money at Dean & Deluca, simply because they often have good (expensive) soups and they're right across the street from my office, and these days I have pregnancy cravings that aren't quite cravings (like, I know I want something but I don't know what it is) so I wander around stores a lot. On Wednesday I was browsing the aisles through a particularly crowded D&D and every time I saw a coworker I averted my eyes, pretended to be on my phone, pretended the $12 boxes of plain crackers were suddenly incredibly interesting. 

I cried in the soup line.

I spent that day after the apocalypse in hiding. I came to work and closed my office door, told my team I couldn't handle any face-to-face dealings, and reminded them I had a bottle of gin if they needed to imbibe. I hadn't slept; I hadn't eaten. My eyes were red. I had some visitors that day, each of whom cried with me. We hugged. And when I watched Hillary's speech, I sobbed, over and over, like I haven't sobbed since my grandmother's death. 

Things weren't much better at home, where my two year old would look at me with her big eyes and I would find myself at a loss for words. Where my husband was so gutted we didn't eat dinner; we didn't turn on the television. 

Since then I've processed a bit more. I've come to some decisions -- longer-term stuff about what I can do, where I can go, to make sure the more vulnerable among us are safe. A plan I had has been obliterated because of some policies Trump has promised to enact, but I've come up with alternate plans. I'm a lucky one, a privileged one. 

I won't forget the horrible moments of this week. And I don't want to forget the fear I feel right now. I hope my numbness turns to passion, to rage even, soon, so that I can get to work.  

Meanwhile, I hope I won't forget the small moments of kindness, either. And there have been some that have lifted me, that have carried me just far enough away from this shock, this trauma -- and yes, this election feels very much like a trauma -- to let me remember that I will process this eventually, and that we will start our real revolution.